Survivor's Guilt
by LemonFerret
Summary: "Lightning did not find Hope engaged in combat with a pack of pantherons... although she would later wish that that had been the situation." Hope blames himself for his mom's death, and Lightning tries to help him heal. Rated T for self-harm/cutting.
1. Chapter 1

A/N – [Achievement Unlocked]: First FFXIII fanfic written. *fistpump*

Just a heads-up: this fic deals with some dark topics (self-harm/cutting, to be precise), so if that squicks you… well, don't read, I guess. :D

This might turn into a multi-chapter fic, depending on what you guys think. Enjoy!

xXxXxXx

"Get some rest while you can, kid. You never know when some more of those Pulse machines will show up."

Hope looked up, shocked at the moderately kind words. He hadn't wanted to admit how the days' battles had exhausted him, seeing how Lightning was always charging on full-speed-ahead and complaining about how Hope slowed her down. "O-okay." And then, more hesitantly: "…Thanks, Light."

Lightning nodded curtly. "I'll take watch. Rest." And with that she was off, no doubt to find a good vantage point for guard duty.

As soon as Lightning had left, Hope sighed and gingerly dropped to the ground, his overworked muscles finally giving out beneath him. He groaned quietly; everything hurt. But he hadn't complained about being tired, not once. He didn't want Lighting to leave him behind, like she had almost done the other day. _Thank goodness for that Odin_, Hope thought. _If it hadn't distracted her, I would be all by myself now…_

Hope took in the complete desolation of his surroundings. Nothing but miles and miles of rock…

_But… aren't I alone now anyway?_ Hope tilted his head back until it rested against the boulder behind him and closed his eyes. _Mom… _

_I miss you. _

Sitting in the dark with nothing but the cold, bleak landscape surrounding him, Hope couldn't help but remember the warm days at the seaside city of Bodum spent with his mother. If he had known that he'd lose her so quickly, maybe Hope wouldn't have taken her as much for granted…

As tightly as he squeezed his eyes shut, Hope couldn't stop the tears from leaking down his cheeks. He remembered being so scared at the Hanging Edge, cowering in fear at the sound of gunshots, planes, screams… and he remembered how his mother had bravely stood up and followed Snow, taking his extra gun. _"Moms are tough," _she'd said.

"Oh god–" he whispered, the moonlight shining off his tear-stained face.

She'd died fighting – fighting to protect _him_. A wave of self-hatred rose up inside of Hope. _She died for _me_, because I was too scared to fight for myself. If only I was braver, she wouldn't have had to protect me. _

_I'm pathetic… _

Reaching into his pocket, Hope pulled out a sharp folding-knife, the one that Lightning had loaned him not too long ago. Pulling off the orange cloth on his forearm, he exposed his wrist, the skin covered in angry red lacerations.

_Mom… _

He could barely see through the tears anymore, but that didn't matter. He'd done this so many times lately that he didn't need to see. With more enthusiasm than he'd ever had using his boomerang, Hope brought the knife to his arm.

_Mom, I'm sorry_.

Hope could feel himself becoming lightheaded, but he didn't, couldn't stop. Slash, cut, rip.

_It's my fault you're dead. _

xXxXxXx

Lightning hadn't been anticipating an attack from the direction they had come from – she and Hope had been thorough in their survey of the area. So when she heard what she interpreted as a distressed noise coming from Hope's direction, she was startled. She grabbed her gunblade and sprinted to her teammate.

Needless to say, Lightning did not find Hope engaged in combat with a pack of pantherons... although she would later wish that that had been the situation.

At first, all that was visible through the dark was Hope's collapsed form. Cautiously, Lightning approached him, confused. _I was sure I heard something…_ Then she saw the blood.

The sight of Hope's mangled wrist made Lightning cry out. Rushing to his side, Lightning stepped on something hard – looking down, she discovered that it was a knife, completely covered in blood. With a pang of panic, she realized that it was hers - the one she had loaned Hope a few days ago. And in one horrible moment, Lightning understood.

Kneeling down, she propped Hope back up against the rock behind him and bandaged his arm. Two Curas and a potion later, Hope's blood level and breathing were back to normal. Lightning sat beside him, staring at the obvious tear-tracks left behind on his pale face. Blinking back a few tears of her own, Lightning slipped her slender hand into Hope's cold one. She looked once again at the bloodied knife on the ground, at the discarded orange arm cloth, only two words running through her mind:

One was "Hope."

The other was "_Why?_"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N – I made a few minor changes to the first chapter, making the folding dagger that Lightning loans Hope the knife he uses to harm himself (a minor detail, really, but it was bothering me so much that I decided to change it).

Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! It's the greatest feeling, knowing that people like your work. :D Thanks guys!

Alright, on with the story!

xXxXxXx

That morning, Hope woke up slowly.

He first became aware of the crisp, cold air, breathing it in with slow, shallow breaths. It bit at his nose and wormed its way through his thin garments, just harsh enough to make him shiver slightly. Eyes still stubbornly shut in an attempt to postpone the hard day of battles and running that no doubt awaited him, Hope brought his arms up to wrap them around his chest, the bandages keeping his left arm comfortably warm.

Wait. Bandages?

Hope's eyes shot open, dread coursing through his body. He stared at his tightly bandaged wrist in horror, the pink-tinged spots on the otherwise pristine white cloth swimming in front of his eyes. _No. No, no no. Someone– someone found me. Who-? _

But Hope already knew who had found him. He was traveling in a party of two, after all.

He turned his wide-eyed gaze to the side, taking in the sleeping form of his travel companion lying on the ground less than two feet from him.

_No, not Lightning. Anyone but Lightning. _

A moan escaped Hope's lips as he struggled up, trying to get away, to just get away from what had apparently happened. _No, no, she can't know. Please, she can't know! _

As he sat up, his vision swam, all the blood rushing down. His vision swam with little white spots, spots that made it impossible to stand. After two failed attempts at running Hope settled for sitting down, edging away from the person who now knew about his weakness until a boulder stopped him from edging away any further. He brought his knees to his chest and gripped his wrist tightly, resting his head on his legs.

_No, no please. Not Lightning…_

xXxXxXx

Lightning awoke to a sound she'd heard more in the past few weeks than she would have cared to: the sound of someone hitting the ground.

Groggily, she pushed herself up and squinted in the direction of the noise – with a jolt of concern, she realized that it had been Hope. _What is he-? Is he trying to run away? _"Hope?"

He did not answer. Worried, Lightning repeated herself, struggling to her feet. _It's like he can't hear me._ She watched the teen edged away from her backwards on his hands and feet, his eyes fixated on something that Lightning could not see. _Hope…_He continued to back away from her, occasionally letting out a whimper that broke Lightning's heart in two. When he reached the boulder, Lightning noticed how he gripped his wrist, clutching it to his chest as he curled into himself and groaned.

"Hope!" Lightning approached him carefully; he didn't seem to notice her at all. She knelt down immediately next to his shivering form and, wanting to help, placed her hand hesitantly on his thin shoulder.

Hope reacted as if he had been electrocuted. His whole body jerked to the side, away from the contact, and his head shot up, his frightened eyes making contact with Lightning's concerned ones. Trying to calm the teen down, Lightning put her hands in front of her where Hope could see them and whispered, "Hope? Hope, it's okay. It's me. It's me, Lightning."

Lightning's face swam into focus. Hope suddenly became aware of his body, how he was curled up against a rock. Relaxing his legs slightly, Hope spoke hesitantly. "…Light?"

Lightning only realized just how worried she'd been about the kid when the relief at his acknowledgment ran through her. Acting on motherly instincts that she hadn't known she possessed, Lightning launched herself forward and pulled Hope into a crushing hug, rubbing his back with one hand and clutching at his silvery hair with the other. She could feel his back through his thin jacket, feel how quickly it rose and fell…

Startled, Hope pushed Lightning's arms away and scooted to the side, eyes wide. Before Lightning could respond, Hope muttered: "L-Light… please-"

Confused and now more than concerned, Lightning urged him. "What, Hope? What's wrong?" She looked down once again at his bandaged wrist, remembering what it had looked like last night, when she had first found him.

"L-Light, y-you're not going to – Light, please-"

"Hope!" Lightning exclaimed. "What's wrong with you?"

"Please don't leave me alone!" he yelled, throwing himself on his hands and knees in front of Lightning. "I know I'm weak, but I can learn! I can get stronger, so please, Light, _please_ give me another chance! I won't ever get in your way, I'll get stronger, _please_-"

"W-What?" Lightning leaned back and stared at her teammate as if seeing him for the first time. _He's…he's kneeling at my feet and practically sobbing... because he thinks I'll abandon him?_ With a pang of guilt Lightning remembered how she had attempted to abandon Hope a few days earlier, with the excuse that he was a burden to her. She kneeled down next to Hope for the second time that morning, running her fingers through his hair. "Shhh, don't worry, I'm not going to leave you."

Hope looked up, a disbelieving look on his face. "Y-you're not?"

"Of course not, I promised I'd make you tough, remember?" Lightning said, coaxing Hope to his feet. Gently, she led Hope over to an old piece of Pulse machinery and had him sit down, noticing how he still held his wrist in a vice-like grip. _Must hurt like hell_, she thought, before carefully easing his right hand off of his wrist and holding it firmly in her own, lest he try to hurt himself. Taking a quick look around, Lightning reasoned that they had a good few hours before any PSICOM soldiers caught up with them – the two of them had covered quite a bit of ground the other night. "Hope?" she asked, just to check that he was still with her. He looked up from staring at the ground, but seemed unwilling to look her in the eyes. _Poor thing_, she thought, while she tried to contain a sigh. _I'm not exactly cut out for this, but I'll try my best. _Putting on a small smile, Lightning squeezed Hope's cold hand lightly. "How about we start a little slower, hmm?"

When Hope realized that Lightning was waiting for an answer, he nodded jerkily. "Okay Light," he whispered.

Lightning took a deep breath and asked the question she had been burning to ask since last night. "What's bothering you, Hope? Why did you hurt yourself?"


End file.
